If you had suggested five years ago that I would write a book, I would have thought you were crazy. Now I am a published author of a book that was recently chosen by Shelf Unbound as one of the “Best Indie Books for 2015.” I still have trouble believing I am an author some days even though I am now working on my second book. I have found that I really enjoy writing as long as I feel passionate about the topic. I write blog posts weekly and try to work on my current book at least once a week. I write because I know people are frustrated in their relationships and are not as happy as they deserve to be. I have knowledge and experience that can help them, and I want to share that information.
I do not have a set writing schedule. I write when I have time but try to make time when the ideas are fresh in my mind. I frequently wake up in the morning with great ideas. I will jot them down in a notebook until I have time to get to the computer. My time to write is limited by my coaching business and the time with my children. I have two little girls that I homeschool, which along with my business, is time consuming. I try to pick quiet times at the end of the day or first thing in the morning to get my writing done. I write by imagining that I am talking to a client or a friend. My writing style has an easy conversational flow to it. I want you to read my advice and feel like I am talking directly to you.
My first book, Unmasking Secrets to Unstoppable Relationships: How to Find, Keep, and Renew Love and Passion in Your Life, is based on my own personal experience as well as my experience working with clients for the past 28 years. It is my secrets of what it takes to have loving, healthy, long-term relationships. It is written primarily for women, even though it is beneficial for men as well. There is so much information out there about relationships, but I wanted this book to be simple ideas that when practiced daily, would make a big impact on your life. We are not taught what we need to know in order to have successful, rewarding relationships. My hope is that this book will change that.
I am now working on my second book that will be primarily for men, helping them to understand women and how they can be successful partners. This book will be written in a way men prefer to learn. It will be to the point with no extra words or long explanations of concepts. It will have bullet points and ideas they can start to use from day one. This book is going slower than the first book. I find I am busier in my life right now, but I am working steadily on it and hope to have it out this summer. I am not sure what my next project will be. It might be another book idea, or I might just take what I have and travel speaking about these two books. I see writing as a minor part of my career. My passion really is to work with people individually and in groups. I love to travel and plan on expanding my reach as a speaker in the coming years. I am open to wherever this career takes me as long as I am helping people in the process. I truly love what I do, and it is my hope that this book and any future books will be a blessing to the readers.
Exclusive Excerpt from Unmasking
Get the Love You Want and Become Irresistible to Him
Remember when you were first together, and he couldn’t get enough of you? Remember how good it felt to know he wanted only you and was in love with you? The beginning of a relationship is wonderful with all the chemistry flowing and those “feel good” hormones racing through your body.
Eventually though, we make it past the romantic love stage and have to learn how to continue getting the love we want and being irresistible to him! In long-term relationships, we are more in love with our partners at times and less in love with them at other times. In order to have an unstoppable relationship, we must work to keep the love alive. The most important thing for women in a relationship is to feel unconditional love. Even if we have a good relationship and feel secure, we still need and want reassurance.
I am a relationship specialist, and I still find myself wanting reassurance. I have learned that when I am not happy with my relationship at the moment, I need to take a look at what is really going on. Just stopping and asking myself what I am upset about is the first step. I try to do this before I say anything to anyone else. The times when I don’t do this and immediately act on my feelings, communication breaks down and feelings can get hurt. I realize afterward that a negative situation could have been avoided if I had only taken some time to analyze my feelings and act on the real issue. I frequently find a feeling of not being a priority is what’s really underneath, which is really about not feeling loved. Now if I take this one step further, I may just find that my guy has done nothing wrong; he cannot read my mind after all. Instead of being upset with him or telling him what he did wrong, I find a way to get my needs met. What did he do today that showed me he loves me? Remember that we all feel loved in different ways. Maybe he did something that means love to him but may not be something I recognize as love.
I hear this frequently from clients. Our partners are more likely to show us love in the same way they feel loved. Now if you prefer other forms, it is okay to share some ideas with your partner on how you feel loved, but I would suggest you do this in a positive manner. Tell your partner want you DO want instead of what you don’t want. Remember to always let him know what he is doing right. This will make him feel successful, and he will want to do more of it. Our guys really do want to please us, especially if they feel appreciated. Remember that men compartmentalize in boxes and will spend time in the boxes they feel they are successful. They will seek out the boxes that work and ignore those that confuse them or make them feel like failures. The key to understand here is that men strive to be successful at everything. If they feel like they may not succeed, they tend to stay away from it. This can mean their relationships. A man will lose interest and quit trying if he feels he cannot please you. A man will not stay in love if he is not appreciated.
So let him know what he is doing right and give some suggestions on what else he could do to show his love. Men are not mind readers and do not always know what makes us happy. Sometimes it is just our need for more reassurance and unconditional love. The more you can accept love in different ways, the more loved you will feel. Women thrive on attention from their guys. Remember that we need to feel like we are a priority and that the relationship comes before anything else. When you are not feeling like a priority, what can you do that will bring about the result you want?
We just talked about needing unconditional love and reassurance of it often. We also need loyalty from our partners. This comes with feeling like we are loved and a priority. We want to feel like they would choose us all over again. We want to feel loved and cherished and beautiful. We need to feel emotionally connected to our partners. We want to be pursued and dated just like when we were first together. If you are not getting this in your relationship, it might be time to initiate some of it yourself. I know—most women would prefer that the man do the initiating, but keep in mind that people are attracted to partners who are responsible for their own happiness. We can suggest ideas to our partners, and for some couples this works really well. For others, they need to take the initiative in the beginning. The end result is what you are after. Create moments together that give you what you desire and also create moments that he enjoys. Let him know how much those moments mean to you and how happy they make you, and watch him start to initiate more of them in the future. Ultimately, though, it is the experience and the feeling of being loved that you are after, not how you got there. Remember that he wants to succeed, so set up situations where you both feel loved and appreciated.
There is nothing like the feeling of being in love and having butterflies in your stomach when you see your partner. It does take work in a relationship to keep those feelings alive, but it can be done, and it is so worth the effort. I want you to get up every morning feeling excited to be sharing your life with such a wonderful partner. The more you understand, appreciate and love him, the more he will appreciate and love you. You will get the love you desire, and you will become irresistible to him.
Lori Ann Davis is an author, Certified Relationship Specialist, radio host and speaker. Lori has a unique and passionate approach to love and relationships and believes that all people deserve and can have the relationships of their dreams. She has over twenty-eight years of experience empowering individuals and couples to live richer, happier lives. She has a private practice in Charlotte, N.C., and also provides relationship coaching by phone to people throughout the United States. Her practice spans the spectrum from dating and singles to working through divorce to renewing long-term marriages. In addition to workshops, classes, couples' retreats, and a Charlotte-based singles group, Lori's radio show "Ask Lori" on WGIVCharlotte has become a popular medium to share relationship information with millions of listeners. Born and raised in New Orleans, she has a master's degree in clinical psychology form the University of West Florida in Pensacola. She is the mother of three daughters and is proud to homeschool her two youngest. Contact Lori Ann Davis www.lorianndavis.com